When you significant other comes out.

This is not an easy time for you right now. I know that your hurting, your confused,angry, heartbroken. All the dreams that you had made together are now just a distant memory. I know because these are just some of the things I felt when my ex husband finally decided to tell me the truth and " came out". I will make it clear that for me when i was first told that he wasn't the person I married I had only two weeks prior had our first baby so I was extremely hormonal, I still stand by all the feelings I had, betrayed, lied to, used, I also felt incredibly dirty. I took some time after exploring why I felt this way, to try and understand the information he had told me I could " deal with"! I took to the Internet much as you have done now to find something anything?! Relating to my world at the current time, what I found was conflicting, emotional, soul destroying, and at its worst hateful towards my innocent questions in trying to understand and work through what "we" yes we were going through. At the end of the day he might have thought he unburdened himself, he didn't, he left me with his guilty secret that he had kept to himself for years only to tell me out of fear of me thinking he was having an affair. It actually wasn't till 10 years later that he actually told me the truth about who he was and that for him transition was the only answer. I knew this was coming for a long time, I helped him come off the fence that day and stop being scared, stop hiding, and be who he always wanted to be. At the same time he needed to give me the same freedom, for me to follow my dreams, of having a male partner who loved me, wanted me, who enjoyed spending time with me. I didn't receive the same treatment. Understand that at this time the person you are with is feeling very confused, scared for themselves, their future, and maybe even for you and your children. I know that your scared too, that the hurt is probably still very raw and to try and think about being compassionate is the last thing on your mind, take me advice... Please... Don't do anything to hurt each other, try and be as understanding as you can. If you need some space to think them use those words. I stopped loving my husband long before he came out, and not because of who he is becoming, try and be kind to each other, use kind language not hurtful words that scar. Let me know how your doing, I'll try and answer your questions, comments as quickly as I can. Xx

A long distance post

It's been a long time between posts for me and a lot of changes have been happening. I will try in the next few days to fill the void 😀

A year ago today

A year ago today I lost a baby girl.

I was in the hospital and saw the signs but they let me come home for the day anyway.

I had her in our bathroom, I held her in my hands, she was so tiny, I couldnt stop shaking and crying.

I wrapped her up and placed her in a box, I didn't want to leave her alone, she was so tiny.

I was very week, and dizzy, I couldn't stop the bleeding, I remember the ambulance officer's face when they saw me. They looked scared, I couldn't stop crying.

Lights and sirens, speeding through  the night back to the hospital, I heard them say "will she make it?" I had lost alot of blood.

There were so many people pulling at me at my arms and legs pulling, pushing asking questions, the lights were so bright in my eyes and I couldn't stop crying.

Upstairs for emergency surgery and a blood transfusion, so many people watching the clock tick by... tick tock...tick tock... I'm in so much pain and I can't stop crying.

I wake up back in my hospital room full of needles and monitors, my baby is gone, and Im still crying, the nurse say's "it's ok it happens to alot of women". What do you know about me? Have you read my file? Have you spoken to me? Don't assume you know me don't pidgen hole me!

I don't say anything, I just keep crying.

A year ago today I lost my last baby, I won't go through that again, I almost joined her, sometimes I wish I had, no one remembered except me.

 

Surgery updates

Well its been almost a month since my surgery. Things seem to be settling down yet I am still having some pain. It still seems unreal that only four weeks ago I had a man open my head and take a bone out (the atlas bone)  and took a potion of my skull of and replaced it with a plastic one twice as large. I have to admit that the difference in hospitals staff and food was astounding compared with the public system! I had a loverly private room with a view of the terace gardens that I walked in each day. I also had a great monitor that had intenet access, it also doubled as a tv screen and I oredered all my meals through the touch screen, and I couldalso access all my doctors notes, as everything is transparent!  The staff where increadibly friendly and always willing to answer all of my stupid questions or bring me another pillow.  I am on my way back to the big smoke of Sydney on the 25th for my 6 week check up and will probably have to stay overnight due to flight times : I still have alot of recovering to do as its going to take between 6- 12 months to fully recover..   Im just going  to keep going on with everything Id planned to do surgery smurgery! :

Sydney a different view

Im here in Sydney the Harbour City and its hot not that I notice in my comfotable chair in my airconditioned room. Im not a luxury hotel but back in hospital at The Macquarie University Hospital to be exact. Its nice and quiet for me while I recover from my opperation. Finally after 12 months and doctors telling me its wasnt opperable, I found a doctor who;
1. Listened to his patient
2. Said that yes he could help.
I was stunned and yes I cried after he said he could help me, who wouldnt after all this year being in and out of hospital with doctors not knowing or understanding what I had or who to see or talk to , to get me treated. It was so nice to have a doctor who understood what I was saying and wasnt shaking his head at me when I mentioned my syptoms. It was even nicer when he said he could opperate right away.
So here I sit with a shaved back head and over a dozen staples in the back of my head, trying to get movement back into my neck after the muscles where stretched for surgery. Im feeling better each day and hope to be outof here in another day or so, then another few days before I can fly home (airline regulations due to cranial surgery).
Im looking even more now forward to Christmas with my family and glad that the worst seems to be behind me. Im still a bit dizzy and not great on my feet if I put my head down but Im getting back on track and with the blessing I received today I know that things are only going to get better! xxx

Our special tree

On thursday I spent the entire day at the hospital waiting in the specialist clinic to see one person about a surgery I am having done in the next few weeks. While Allen, Hezekiah and I were there waiting one of my specialists casually walks over and says "Ohh hi guys by the way I spoke to your Dr in Sydney he would like you to come up, is that ok with you?" I was overwhelmed, he then said after we answered YES! that he would get the paperwork done for us now. I was so emotional all of a sudden it wass like things were finally falling into place. When my doctor came back I jumped up and hugged him and said thankyou. I know thats probably very unprofessional but I dont care! We have a date for our trip to Sydney as soon as we got home we rang his office and spoke to his PA. We leave on the 6th of Dec and the appointment is the next day at 10am. Im so excited to finally have a chance to speak to someone who understands my condition, and I am keen to hear what he has to say.

On our way home we stopped to buy a special tree. After I lost our little girl Allen buried her in our garden and he wanted a tree that had pink flowers on it. I found one and he planted it that day. Now I can look out the window and see her tree. I am thinking about putting some other flowers around it too until I do that I wont post a picture. Sorry you will have to wait. 

Long time posting... reader discression advissed

Its been a while since I did a post, the main reason has been my stay in hospital. I went in on the 6th of October I was barely able to walk had been vomiting for several days and was stuttering again. All the signs that were there in January when I had my neurological attack. The Registra whos name was Phil (Dr Phil) was so nice and saw that I needed to be admitted right away. I was sent upstairs to bed 22 and that became my home for almost a month. I had test apon tast done and had a "team" of doctors looking over me trying to decide what was in my best interests. Allen was doing his best at home trying to keep the family together as well as being extreamly stressed with me being in the hospital. During my second week 2 of my doctors from my "team" One who was the head of surgery and another who was the main doctors decided that they would go on holidays for 2 weeks! This left me having more tests and daily bloods taken, and I hate needles! They also found that my potassium levels were dangerously low leaving me with the potential of having a heart attack so they started me on a drip of pure potassium, thats when I found that my viens dont like it very much and the needles tissued each time and the pain was like having liquid fire shoot through my arm. I still couldnt talk but the look on my face and tears streaming down my face was enough for the nurses to order another bag with a diluted form it took longer to get into my system but the pain was lessened. I also had a constant saline drip going through my other arm so I was attatched to plastic for long periods throughout the day and night.
When your in hospital and you cant speak it gives you alot of time to reflect and also to observe. I observed alot, I watched the way certain nurses treated certain patients or could hear them talk about them late at night. I watched and listened to the doctors closely watched the way they looked at me the way they moved around me, and how they felt in my pressence. I listened to the "young" doctors just learning and the way they joked about things I found offensive and wrong. I also know that while I was staying on my ward 2 people passed away. I watched the family of one come out of the "family room" tears still in their eyes and crying softly and thanking the doctors for all they had done. I said a silent prayer for them to give them strength in their time of need. It also made me wonder what would happen if something should happen to me? The surgery that we are looking at is complicated and is risky, it involves opening my skull and exposing my brain so that is always going to involve risk. What I didnt know was that something else was going to happen sooner that would bring me closer to deaths door.
When we arrived at the hospital that day by ambulance on the 6th I knew I was pregnant. Allen and I were in shock. We had a 1 in 200 chance of falling pregnant and I had managed it. After weeks of tests confirming the pregnancy and more tests to see how far along I was and yet another one to see that yes there is a baby in there. I asked for a night away to watch Xaviour recieve an award for his youth awards night. I had been looking forward to it all week. I didnt give a hoot that it was grandfinal day, I just wanted to be there for Xaviour. A few days before that Saturday I had started to have some "spotting" the doctors said to keep an eye on it but not to worry to much. I knew better, I told them I was going to misscarry I was cramping allthough not badly, but my back was aching a sure sign that things were on the way. At 5.00 Allen came into the bedroom where I was napping to let me know to get ready soon as we had to be there at 6.30. I knew that with my dizzyness it was going to take a while to get dressed and do my hair and put a little bit of makeup on so I got up. I had a sudden cramp, it hurt and sent me to the bathroom where I had our little girl. I sat and cried for a while but again didnt want to ruin the night for Xaviour, so quietly I told Allen and asked him to get a box so I could put her in. After I did that I spent a while in the bathroom crying and cleaning up myself. Trying to get ready to leave. Wave apon wave kept hitting me and I was forced back to the bathroom, I was loosing alot of blood. I was deturmined not to ruin this night for Xaviour so after changing yet again I made my way out of the house, this was no easy feat. A wave hit me before I reached the steps I didnt want to fall, I kept thinking it would be fine Id put extra sanitary products in my bag Id be fine. We were half way there when another wave hit me and they just wouldnt stop, I felt flooded, I had my knees together and I put my hand on them to balance myself thats when I noticed they were covered in blood. I showed Allen who isnt good with blood, he said "dont worry we'll stop and get you something" but I knew this was wrong. I was getting cold and starting to get the shakes. I remember a friend telling me when she hamoraged how she felt cold and had to fight to stay awake. Thats when I started to panic, we got to the chapel  and I was trying to tell Allen to get the kids out of the car and call an ambulance. The kids were sent inside while we waited for the ambulance to arrive. They got me in and started a drip then another then a third I couldnt stop shaking I was so cold and couldnt stop crying. Lights and sirens screaming all the way into the hospital and then I was surrounded peple pulling at me both top and bottom. More needles and more drips more chaos I was so scared. Allen came in and held my hand and tried to calm me while I cried and cried and tried to calm down. They sent me in to have emergency surgery 30 minuts later. I had lost over 2 litres of blood and had to have a transfusion and more saline. I went back to my little bed 22 that night vowing to never have this happen again to me. What happened was tragic, but it could have been alot worse, and I am still mourning the loss in my own way in my own time and Im not giving myself a limit on it, when Im done I'll know.
For me now.. Im focusing on getting to see this doctor in Sydney as soon as I can. He has been in touch with us here and we will be in touch with him again next week. Im hoping that this man can help me and aliviate some of my symptoms.