Saturday, September 28, 2013

A year ago today

A year ago today I lost a baby girl.

I was in the hospital and saw the signs but they let me come home for the day anyway.

I had her in our bathroom, I held her in my hands, she was so tiny, I couldnt stop shaking and crying.

I wrapped her up and placed her in a box, I didn't want to leave her alone, she was so tiny.

I was very week, and dizzy, I couldn't stop the bleeding, I remember the ambulance officer's face when they saw me. They looked scared, I couldn't stop crying.

Lights and sirens, speeding through  the night back to the hospital, I heard them say "will she make it?" I had lost alot of blood.

There were so many people pulling at me at my arms and legs pulling, pushing asking questions, the lights were so bright in my eyes and I couldn't stop crying.

Upstairs for emergency surgery and a blood transfusion, so many people watching the clock tick by... tick tock...tick tock... I'm in so much pain and I can't stop crying.

I wake up back in my hospital room full of needles and monitors, my baby is gone, and Im still crying, the nurse say's "it's ok it happens to alot of women". What do you know about me? Have you read my file? Have you spoken to me? Don't assume you know me don't pidgen hole me!

I don't say anything, I just keep crying.

A year ago today I lost my last baby, I won't go through that again, I almost joined her, sometimes I wish I had, no one remembered except me.